the great impersonation

# The Great Impersonation

Once upon a time in the bustling transit hub of Port Absurdity, three separate groups unknowingly engaged in the most elaborate case of mutual deception ever recorded in transportation history.

For exactly eighteen months, a curious phenomenon occurred daily at Platform 7. A man in an impeccably pressed suit would arrive precisely at 9:17 AM, set up a small folding table, and proceed to inspect passengers' "temporal transit licenses" before they boarded the 9:25 express train. The man, who called himself Inspector Figglesworth, wore a badge made of what appeared to be aluminum foil covered in clear nail polish and carried a clipboard with official-looking papers.

The Transit Police noticed this immediately. Officer Jenkins, whose desk faced Platform 7, assumed this was an Amtrak Police operation. "They're always running these undercover stings," he would tell rookies. "Best not to interfere with federal jurisdiction."

Meanwhile, at the Amtrak Police outpost exactly thirty feet away, Lieutenant Rodriguez observed the same activity. "That's clearly Transit Police business," she would explain to new recruits. "They've got that special task force for... you know... whatever they're doing there."

Both forces maintained respectful distance, occasionally nodding professionally to Inspector Figglesworth, who always returned the gesture with equal solemnity.

The station's regular Jehovah's Witnesses, who had a literature stand nearby, also witnessed the daily ritual. Brother Matheson and Sister Clementine assumed it was official government business and were impressed by the authorities' dedication. They even began using Inspector Figglesworth as an example in their pamphlets about commitment and diligence.

For eighteen long months, this charade continued uninterrupted. Inspector Figglesworth collected "temporal fees" from confused commuters, issued handmade "chrono-passes," and occasionally confiscated "contraband timepieces" (mostly Casio watches).

The situation unraveled during National Transportation Security Awareness Week, when all three groups planned special operations at Platform 7.

The Transit Police arrived with donuts to thank the Amtrak officers for their dedication. The Amtrak Police brought coffee to commend the Transit officers for their service. The Jehovah's Witnesses prepared special certificates honoring both police forces for maintaining order. And all three groups planned to finally discover what exactly Inspector Figglesworth had been investigating.

When they converged on Platform 7 that fateful morning, they found only an empty folding table and a handwritten note:

"After 547 days of research, I can conclusively report that humans will accept absolutely anything as normal if you act with confidence and wear a badge. Thank you for participating in my sociology dissertation. Copies available next month at the university bookstore. — Former Assistant Professor Theodore Figgle (definitely not a real inspector)"

The three groups stared at each other in stunned silence, realization dawning simultaneously.

"You mean that wasn't your operation?" asked Officer Jenkins.

"We thought he was with you!" exclaimed Lieutenant Rodriguez.

Brother Matheson could only shake his head. "We included him in our monthly newsletter."

The resulting investigation revealed that over 2,000 commuters had paid "temporal transit fees" totaling approximately $45,000. Theodore Figgle had indeed been an assistant professor of sociology before being dismissed for "excessively disruptive research methodologies." His dissertation, later published as "The Emperor's New Badge: Authority Symbols and Social Compliance," became a bestseller.

The Transit Police, Amtrak Police, and local Jehovah's Witnesses formed an unlikely support group that still meets monthly to discuss the importance of questioning assumptions and the dangers of jurisdictional politeness.

And to this day, nobody takes the 9:25 express from Platform 7 without checking their watch nervously and patting their pockets for their temporal transit license... just in case.