stealth logistics email

Subject: Urgent: Covert Interjurisdictional Driving Operation Seeking Discreet Contractors

Dear [Trucking Company/Taxi Service Name],

Greetings from the Stealth Logistics Consortium™! We are currently mobilizing a high-priority, interjurisdictional operation (Permit #X-7Q2-“SilentWheel”) and require experienced drivers for a discreet, real-time coordination mission centered around [Your Location].

Mission Overview:
A moving “asset” (codename: Project SaladDays) requires seamless, undetectable surveillance and logistical support via a fleet of unmarked vehicles (trucks, vans, taxis, unicycles¹). Drivers must blend into daily traffic while covertly communicating with our network of embedded clerks, shopkeepers, and street vendors using:

• Product-based signals: e.g., a specific brand of potato chips displayed in a windshield = “Asset is turning left.”
• Strategic car placement: Parallel parking at 32.7° angles to relay GPS breadcrumbs.
• Number badge rotations: Affix numbered badges (provided) to your vehicle; clerks at participating gas stations will update your directives via “innocent” remarks like, “Nice badge! Pump 3’s out of diesel.”

Requirements:

• Ability to maintain a “bored commuter” facial expression at all times.
• Willingness to occasionally honk “Shave and a Haircut” to acknowledge command updates.
• Own vehicle (rental trucks acceptable, but must remove “Happy Birthday, Greg” decals).
• Basic fluency in Morse code (via turn signals) or interpretive dance (for bicycle couriers).

Compensation:

• $0.37 per mile (hazard pay included for avoiding rogue shopping carts).
• A lifetime supply of existential satisfaction (and maybe a coupon for 10% off at Steve’s Tire Emporium).

Deadline:
Express interest by 48 hours via encrypted reply (attach a photo of your vehicle alongside a pineapple for verification²).

This operation is sanctioned under the [REDACTED] Act of 1993. Confidentiality enforced by a sternly worded follow-up email.

Sincerely,
B. Arthur McSnicket
Interim Director of Covert Conveyance
Stealth Logistics Consortium™
Email: stealth.logistics.consortium@notaspyagency.com
Phone: 1-800-555-0199 (ask for “Janet,” then hang up and wait)

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¹ Unicycles optional but encouraged for “quirky urban camouflage.”
² Pineapple not mandatory if you substitute a convincing doodle of a duck wearing sunglasses.

Disclaimer: This email is a work of farce. Please do not honk “Shave and a Haircut” at strangers. Or do. Live your truth.